Hawtness – Volume 2 – Chapter 5

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Beam Me Up

I watched the giant screen in front of us as Earth continued to grow in size. It took me longer before I saw a little speck that started to grow into a ship. It seemed to be trailing smoke, but was heading a fairly steady pace towards a small satellite.

“Fire at their bow!”

Rune looked at the control and then touched a button. A giant beam shot out from their ship on screen, striking the little ship. A large explosion rocked it and its engines shut off.

“I said fire at the bow, not up its nose.” Allan looked back angrily.

Rune shrugged, “You say that like I know how to aim. Or what a bow is for that matter.”

Allan readjusted his glasses, “Ridiculous. Fine, it did the job. It looks like their life support hasn’t been breached. Everyone, grab a gun. We’ll teleport over there and politely ask them for the coordinates.”

He reached over to tap a few keys on his wristpad. Then he stopped, reaching down and pulling up a strange looking sensor module from under one of the consoles. He nodded to himself before proceeding to type the code.

A strange pulling feeling came from my gut. Suddenly, a bright light shone in my vision and I felt like I was being stretched once again. I hit the ground moving, pulling up the small ray gun Allan had given me, looking for any threats from the cult. The ship was heavily damaged. Wires, sparks, and alarms shot off from every direction.

The others twisted their guns around, doing the same thing. There didn’t appear to be anyone standing. Allan relaxed, moving throughout the much smaller ships small single room. There were two bodies of clocked men lying on the ground. Allan checked them before moving to the only computer console that wasn’t destroyed.

“Andrew…” a voice came from a third cloaked man lying under a collapsed beam.

Andrew froze in place, turning towards the man.

“I… must tell you something.” The injured man said.

“What is it?”

“Andrew… I am your uncle.”

Andrew’s eyes widened, “No… that’s not true, that’s impossible.”

“Take off my hood, you know it be true.”

Andrew hesitantly approached the cultist, kneeling next to him and lifting the hood. Andrew’s facial expression confirmed what I had feared. The man had several distinct features that resembled Andrew.”

“Why? You’re an Angel? Why would you be in a Star Wars Cult?”

“Star Wars is for all people and ages, but that is not what is important. Your father has been lying to you. He’s been lying to all of us.”

“What are you talking about, old man?”

“The Archangels aren’t what they appear. The cult… is trying to… is trying….” Andrew’s uncle grimaced in pain, a dribble of blood coming from his mouth.

“Don’t die on me!” Andrew yelled, “What are you talking about? The cult is the bad guy.”

Andrew’s uncle shook his head, coughing up more blood in the process. Before his uncle could say more, the screen in the front of the ship lit up. On the screen was Prince Skyp.

“I have to thank the group of you. You brought me to my bridge. Flew it to where I wanted to go. Then peacefully left me there to retake command.”

Allan glanced over at me, “You were supposed to tie him up.”

“How was I supposed to know that? He was unconscious! Besides, you’re the one who decided to beam us all over here.”

Rune nodded, “Yeah, that wasn’t very bright for a hyperintelligent alien.”

Allan adjusted his glasses, “Ridiculous.”

Chuckling came from the screen, “I pretended to be sicker than I was as a clever ruse to convince you to let your guard down. Now, if you’d all like to do me one more favor. Kindly, die!”

The screen went out. Allan began typing on the computer monitor frantically.

“This sensor module I grabbed can relay the command codes remotely, we are now close enough to do so. I am sending them now. I’ll need a minute to get the satellite’s running, stall him!” Allan barked out.

“Stall him how?” Rune demanded.

“Just go over to that terminal over there. There should be a large green button. It activates the defense parameters on the ship. Ryan, get to the pilot’s seat. The main thrusters are down but you should be able to use the auxiliary thrusters.”

The two of them snapped into motion. Rune slammed his hand down on the big green button while Ryan tried to steer the ship.

“Um… there are a bunch of red dots traveling towards our central green dot.” Rune pointed to the screen.

Allan busily typed at the computer.

“Allan, the dots are getting closer to the big dot!”

“Rune, did you press the green button?”

“Dammnit, I’m pressing the green button, I’m pressing the green button as fast as I can. The green button does nothing. The green button is bullshit.”

Allan’s eyes widened, “Brace for impact!”

The ship suddenly exploded in sparks and lens flare all around me. I collapsed to the ground as the ship shook like an earthquake.

“I got it!” Allan shouted over the sound of thundering explosions.

The explosions slowed and then stopped, the ship still shuddering, but in a controlled manner that allowed me to stand. I glanced out of the window. It looked like the Prince’s ship was being fired upon by numerous smaller ships.

Allan slapped his hands, “The defense grid is up! Earth is safe!”

“Earth might be safe,” Ryan interrupted, “but this ship is falling apart. All engines are down. We are collapsing into earth’s orbit. I expect we will strike the earth’s atmosphere in two minutes and explode.”

“The good news is that it looks like the little Prince is retreating.” Rune said, pointing at the screen.

“Can we land this thing?” Allan asked, looking at Ryan.

“We are not positioned for proper atmosphere reentry.” Ryan answered.

“Can you teleport us to Earth?” I offered.

Allan lowered his head, a depressed look on his face, “Yes, but my ship was destroyed on the moon. If we lose this ship, I will be stranded on your planet.”


“Ridiculous…” Allan reached down, typing some keys into his pad.

“Andrew, we need to go.” I turned to him and then stopped.

He was covering the eyes of his uncle, who laid motionless now.

“I’m so sorry,” I moved over, wrapping my arms around his back.

Andrew raised his hand up to mine, grabbing it and giving a squeeze. “He wasn’t able to tell me why he betrayed my father. All he said was ‘follow the dead’, whatever that means.”

“We need to get going Andrew, we can probably take his body with us.”

Andrew shook his head. “It’s considered a great honor for Angels to be cremated in the clouds. This might not be very orthodox, but burning in the atmosphere, higher than any other angel has ever reached, is the least I could allow him. Let’s go.”

I led Andrew away from the body of his uncle. The group of us gathered around Allan. He nodded to each of us in turn, a depressed look on his face. He pressed a button, and the world erupted in a flash.


“You can’t stay here, Allan. I’m already stuck with a gender confused love demon and a time traveling cowardly lion. I really don’t need a silver wearing super-intelligent alien living with me as well.” I stated.

“Ridiculous. It’s grey, not silver, and this color just happens to look good on me. Besides, I am not interested in living with you. I have found an adequate place to stay for the meantime.”

“That’s good, I guess.” I sighed. “Do you want to come in? Mom’s out right now. We can chat in my living room.”

Allan nodded and joined me. We stood awkwardly for a few minutes in the living room, avoiding looking at each other. It had been almost a week since we had returned from the ship. Andrew had pushed himself off into seclusion, looking into what his uncle had told him. The rest of the boys were the same as always.

Stephan was still looking into the disappearances. Daniel was very concerned at our forty-eight hour disappearance, and checked up on me constantly. Victor was still away on a tour. Alex covered my butt again with my mom, just a little jealous that she didn’t get to come along on this trip.

Just two days prior, Mr. Xavier had propositioned to recover the zero I got from a missed quiz to a 100%. How desperate did the creep think I was? I politely explained to him that school policy excused absences, and that I had been called in on both days thanks to Alex. He couldn’t give me a zero even if he wanted to do so. He was not happy about it, but he did quiet down when I mentioned telling the counselors I was being sexually harassed.

“So…” I began, “What have you been doing these days?”

“I’ve decided since I am stranded on Earth, I might as well complete my mission of data gathering. It is a lot of the reason I came here.”

“That was something I forgot to ask; what kind of information are you gathering on Earth?”

“My current mission,” Allan readjusted his glasses, “is to acquire a complete knowledge base on the mating habits of intelligent life forms on Earth.”

“Excuse me?”

“Of course, even monkeys and dolphins have some intelligence, so I have been collecting research already performed on this planet on a very large array of animals. Humans, on the other hand, have been tricky. Gaining consent, for example, would almost certainly require me to reveal that I’m an alien. It is so much easier with someone who already knows.”

“I really don’t like where this is going.”

“You see, you seem to be a perfect research specimen to gain a better understanding of human breeding practices. You are at the prime viral ages of female adolescence, and are currently being courted by a large array of Alpha type males.”

“I am not,” I sputtered, “What are you even talking about?”

“I believe that if I keep observing you, I will be able to collect a fairly comprehensive assortment of data on male and female interactions.”

“Allan, it’s not… I don’t…. you…” I couldn’t come up with anything to say.

“Now, I am working on understanding certain research material I recently acquired; I was hoping for your help in explaining it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, for example, I’ve recently found this piece.” Allan pulled out what looked like a DVD case and handed to me.

As soon as my brain registered what I was looking at, I dropped it like a snake. “Wha… what are you doing with that?”

Allan calmly bent over and picked it up. “I told you, performing research. This DVD ‘Naughty Vixens 3’ seems to engage in women spending a great deal of time spanking each other. This seems to arouse the man, who then in turn spanks both women. Would you describe this as a typical mating ritual for humans?”

“I…” I shrugged, at a loss for words.

“And can you please explain to me the idea of ‘BDSM’? I’ve seen the term before, but it always seems to lead to this book ’50 shades of grey’. The book seems to possess more of this spanking, as well as a certain degree of chains and straps. I am also curious about this concept, dirty talk. It seems to suggest that calling women derogatory terms will prepare them for sexual intercourse.”

“Allan.” I cringed. “Can’t you ask the health teacher about this?”

“I already did, he shook his head and walked away. Maybe I should ask Alex…”

“No! No, don’t ask her,” I didn’t even want to think about what she would tell him.

Allan stopped talking and watched me, waiting for an answer. I pinched my nose, squeezing my eyes shut. I was entirely too young to give this talk.

“Allan, you’re going to freaking owe me after this one.” I demanded. “I only know these things because Samantha has wasted entirely too much time corrupting my mind.”

Allan nodded calmly.

“Here, let me introduce you to the internet.”

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